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Oct. 12th, 2006 @ 04:21 pm
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Not much left to say between two little girls who don't know how to speak, just to cry |
I don't think I've ever been so touched
While you're living out in Bollywood
I'll be sitting on the kitchen floor
Writing letters filled with little copper bells
So you can ring them when your feet get sore
And while you're out turning fantasies true
Take some time to know I'm thinking of you
You wanna know how to live it, well this is how, this is how...
I can tell you right now
That there's love for the taking,
Be a story in the making, so now
this is how...
There are shades of red I'll never see
So put them in your mouth, bring them back to show me
Feels of fabric I may never know, so go on, go
Tell the god of empathy I said hello
And while you're dreaming of reality
Take a minute out and think about me
You wanna know...
I know you're gonna come back so much richer, I know
I don't want you to come back any quicker, I don't
Just know you've got a friend who jsut can't wait till you get home
So while you're living out in Bollywood
Make it everything you want it to be
And if it ever gets a little frightening to do
Take some time and I know I'm so proud of you
You wanna know... |
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Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 08:18 am
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Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 08:15 am
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I love coming to this coffee shop early in the morning and listening to the wonderful lesbians who own it read the paper to one another. There, that's my own postsecret |
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so ever since I've been really young, I've been really interested in India. I don't really know why, its some gravitation toward the culture, the heat, the intensity the diversity the general oldness of it, the feeling that something exists there that is less transient than Western culture etc. As I've grown older that interest has grown and matured. I read the India Times often, I find Indian politics amazing and hilarious but overall fascinating and I am impressed. At the same time I insecurely feel like I've inflated the India obsession and I don't know why. Yes, I have a general interest, but not obsession, and is my interest in it any greater than that of any other country or culture? Probably not. Its weird because I am one of a very small minority of people that has the opporutnity to ever study abroad and just having this conversation makes me feel like such a brat. The program that I'm applying for allows you to intern for an NGO dealing with sustainable dev there, something that I've always thought would be amazing. At the same time, Yoav and his pretentiousness along with other people are aksing me why I don't go some place real. I take my friends and parents too seriously and I wish I didn't which is weird as well. You would think that someone who wanted to go to India would be wanting to rebel, but I don't I'm just interested...but I'm just as interested in polishing my Hebrew and French and going to any of those countries. Those would give me a different perspective, meeting more people my age from a different country etc. Also going some place where more of the credits transferred would be a good idea as well. I don't really know. My Hindi class technically starts June 13th, and I have the opportunity to have 3 semesters down by the time I go there if I go there enough to be mildly proficient. At the same time, I could take a French class this semester and study in France or Senegal or something, because I will have enough to go there by then. and then there's Israel. The extremes of this country have always tickled me and what not but from an emotional level I have such a strong love for it. Would it be better for me to go there or something? I don't really know. I've just depicted four very different paths that my life could go, four very different ways that my life could be impacted and I just don't know. If anyone reads this/has suggestions please tell me because I suck at decisions.
May. 25th, 2005 @ 10:38 am
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Sometimes I find myself drifting through life on the outside of the in. Not really trusting, not really loving, just floating
May. 24th, 2005 @ 03:57 pm
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01. comment with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
06. Put this in your journal
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:50 pm
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and i defineitely just lied about forgetting the honors option in my classical indian civilizations class.
I am a piece of shit
he prolly knows I'm lying too does it count as a lie then? and my women and the law paper sucks, i should have just wrote about desperate housewives like that ridiculous girl in my class, this semester has been amazing, but frankly summer is not here fast enough
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 07:22 am
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so can i just say how much i love the fact that Claire works at a medical center where they cell stuffed models of viruses and bacteria (like stuffed animals except mononucleosis and strep) and got a friend a stuffed yeast bacteria to celebrate the end of passover and her birthday, and she thought it was totally normal....
May. 1st, 2005 @ 02:16 pm
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| » rediscovery |
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The Place Where We Are Right
by Yehuda Amichai
From the place where we are right
Flowers will never grow
In the spring.
The place where we are right
Is hard and trampled
Like a yard.The Place Where We Are Right
by Yehuda Amichai
From the place where we are right
Flowers will never grow
In the spring.
Apr. 28th, 2005 @ 06:44 am
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well, it is 9:21 and i need to do work, but I felt like I should update to explain myself
1) At the end of spring break I had 70 pages to write. that number has slightly diminshed-Becky still=always feeling fucked
2) I went on the most miraculous and amazing spring break trip ever, I might write about it today or tomorrow
3) I shook Michael Walzer's hand...orgasmic bliss
4) I love coconut posicles for breakfast
5) It looks like I'm subletting with Miriam this summer, while she works for NARAL, and Claire works with monkeys.
6) I was implicitly accused of being an anti-semite by both my teacher and a girl in my class for saying "jewishy
7) I bought two pairs of 3 dollar pants, they all I wear now
8) I am officially susceptable to every disease that has ever existed if I go to India
9) It's official Yoav and I are getting married I'm fed up with straight boys
Apr. 16th, 2005 @ 09:21 am
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There is nothing quite like the first nice day in Madison, Wisconsin. Days like today really prove to me the awe and power of the Spring Solstice, of Pesach, of Easter, of rebirth in all different ways. No one in the entire world appreciates the power and the beauty of life like its meant to be lived like the Madisonians, who spend 3 months buried in their parkas, ears burning because of the cold, waving at people on the street and in mutual embarassement realizing through their down that they aren't the people that you anticipated afterwards. The smell of the melting snow, and the melting lake peremate the city and you see people on the streets breathing deeper trying to take it all in. You can hear the ice crunching away as it shifts from one state of matter to the next. Omnipresent is the awkward adolescence of the seasonal shift, as you see some guys jogging in their shorts and some girls in their thick North Faces and all I want to do is run around barefoot even though there is snow on the ground. Today was like a Dar Williams themed day. It was beyond crunchy, it was just emotional, although nothing particularly emotional happened. It was beautiful and amazing all at once. As the window is open and I can hear the gentle breeze blow across the street everything becomes perfect...
Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 12:50 am
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so fucking bad with boys
Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 01:45 am
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writing instead of doing work, last night was sooo much fun! WE were kinda bored around 11, so Ann, Yoav and I spontaneously decided to take a road trip. As we picked Yoav up, we were kinda like, "ok, no what, where should we go?" and yoav is like" we should go to Iowa!" and so we did. We started peeling off to Dubuque. On the way there, outside of Cuba City, I guess the border town, between Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin, we were pulled over by a cop that really was way too bored. This mind you was Yoav's second experience being pulled over by a bored cop in the states, so he was a professional. The cop seemed like he was in training or something, because he seemed pathetically serious, taking ann's liscence, except he missed the part where he tells us exactly what we were being pulled over for, so finally we asked him, and he said, well you were going about 17 miles over the speed limit, now i'm not going to give you a ticket, but here's a warning. Nice Wisconsin boy! Anyways, we kept on driving and ended up in Dubuque, after Yoav's orgasmic glimpse at the Mississippi...ahh this is the Midwest at its best, the reason why it would prolly be difficult for me to leave. Dubuque is this small working class river town, that makes a lot of its income on steel and river working stuff, good honest people. Anyways, we pulled over in this diner around 2:30 and were the only people there, along with a beligerent waitress and an illegal cook. We ordered waffles and eggs for like 4 dollars each, and realized midway through our conversation that we had discussed Israeli politics in three different states, that was exciting. After Ms. Beligerence took our check we kept driving around seeing what was going on, as we were just about to get back on the highway, we spotted like 5000 people in this old church concentrating like they were taking the SATs. We realized that we were playing Bingo, and we were like omg lets go, so we ran inside. Immedietly Yoav was like "oh this is how I imagined America" seated around us were about 100 people at 3:30 in the morning, all of them over 200 lbs, with one or more of the following, bleached hair, a belt buckle larger then their face, a cigarette being lighted by the one in their mouth, there were little kids (presumably kids who wanted to go to band camp) scurrying about and taking bingos, so we bought some cards Yoav, said that in his old age, he couldn't engage, so he sat and ate a kit kat while ann and i studiosuly played. We finished around 4, not winning and drove back..singing to the Backstreet Boys and Les Miserables as the sun came up...
Mar. 5th, 2005 @ 12:59 pm
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| » what I shoulda coulda woulda said |
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so frankly, I don't care a ton about feminist political theory, nor woman's studies for that matter. In fact I really despise the institution of women's studies for a number of reasons that I won't talk about here. At the same time, I have become unusually obssessively invested in my women and the law class, perhaps because the reading is challenging, perhaps because the professor inspires me on a regular basis, whatever. Anyways, I have this weird love hate relationship with it, because it opens my mind up to a lot of things... at the same time I have become the really obnoxious dorky girl in the class that will not shut up, and I hate that because its embarassing and I should prolly control what I'm saying first, so I've decided that my live journal will become my forum where I will write down my diatribes that I wanted to say in the class, but because everyone (including my prof who upon receiving an outline for my paper, began the e-mail back with "oh my goodness, where to begin" code words for you really need to chill the fuck out) thinks I'm a psycho I didn't. If the 2 people who read this think I'm psycho, I really don't care. Anyways for today, we watched a movie about this woman who gets pregnant and becomes this political tool among both the pro-life and pro choice movements and no one cares about her, just how they would advance them politically. It reminded me of Helen Prejean, the Catholic death penalty activist, who came here and spoke. She explained how she first got involved with the death penalty by being involved with the New Orleans po'(or). She told this story about this 12 year old girl who had just given birth, and as she was cradeling the baby that she had just given birth to, she murmered, "Now I finally have something of my own" and Sister Prejean said, "at that moment I knew with every bone in my body that I would be no different" as she said this tears were streaming down my cheeks, because I knew I would be no different either. It is amazing how children end up giving one leverage in some way in society. Women become objects of utility as the regenerators of the population, and at the point where that baby is born, then the baby also adds to that utility, the good of society. 14 years later when that baby is sleeping around, she too becomes a slutty welfare queen until she too is pregnant, and then becomes an object of utility, utility giving her power. What is it about devolving the identity of these little girls to their single function? How come their power only increases with their ownership/generation of this child, good is measured in this zero sum way, something is good or bad, a woman or girl who just exists is not considered to be adding to the value of the society in an affirmative way, meaning if she were killed (taken away) she would have negative value like that, but if she just exists she has no value in that of itself unless she gives birth. It is the center of female pain and it is really sad to me.
Beyond this diatribe lots of other things going on in my mind, I met with the woman I tutor today, one of the interesting things, when we were planning our session today, I asked her if she wanted to meet at 12, and she was like 12? that's lunchtime! no! It amazed me, this woman has no home, she has no room of her own, she doesn't know where she's living 2 months from now, her life is this collection of insecurites that I will never ever understand, she has nothing stable or stagnant in her life, except 12:00. 12:00 is lunchtime, every day at 12:00 will be lunchtime, no matter how much money she has to eat, no matter where she's living, no matte rwhat bad influences are in her life. I don't know why this made me feel kind of warm, I guess it just made me glad that she in fact had that, and I thought about how few institutions like that I had to cling to...maybe that's why I gravitate to judaism so much...religion becomes my 12:00
Besides that things are good...I realize that the only alcohol I drink anymore is yuppy beer...I really am 20 going on 50, I also have been listening to compulsively large amounts of classic rock...oh and this girl at work had this conversation with this woman today that went kind of like this
Sara: intro...blah blah
Woman: I HAVE BEEN A DEMOCRAT ALL OF MY LIFE MY FATHER WAS A DEMOCRAT AND HIS FATHER WORKED FOR THE ROOSEVELT ADMINISTRATION AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE FRUSTRATED IN MY LIFE WITH THE NOMINATION OF JOHN KERRY BECAUSE HE IS PRO CHOICE
Sara: With all due respect ma'am Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and JFK were pro-choice
Woman: Well aren't you a feisty one, I'll give you five dollars
ugh orfanos is currently on a right wing diatribe that I can't deal with, I remember when he militantly quoted Spanos...sigh I guess everyone becomes their parents sooner or later
Ann said something really funny tonight but I can't remember what
Mar. 4th, 2005 @ 12:58 am
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I have learned in the telemarketing trade that there is a very distinct and formulaic process in asking for a deceased donor.
1) I ask is 'X' there
2) Sometimes there is an optional and either optimistc or perplexed "who?" as if in some Kabbalistic ritual I have harnessed their essence by verbalizing the permutation of lettered energies that compose them.
3) Afterwards there is inevitably the beligerent "Who IS THIS?" Yes sir, I am some highly sick 13 year old, who spends their days voraciously perusing the Wisconsin StateJournal obituaries and calling their families to ask for them
4) My name is Becky and I'm calling on behalf in the Democrats in the State Assem---
5) Oh well he (gasp) passed away in November...November 13th, I have snatched their subconscious and pulled it to their forefront of their brain, a whir and their begins the film projector flashing old movies of the couple enjoying ham sandwiches in the park in their young 20s...
6) I begin an uncontrollable fit of apologies, as if I was the one that killed them...I'll take them off my list
7) Well fine..click
8) And I continue to call
...Hi my name is Becky and I'm a tool for the Democratic Party and oh yeah I suck
Feb. 28th, 2005 @ 11:16 pm
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ugh last night was horrible
and that's all i have to say about that
Feb. 26th, 2005 @ 10:39 am
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feeling pretty misanthropic and I don't know why, all I want to do is lose myself in myself, in my thoughts and my music and my feelings. I think that this is a good for the building and rediscovering of my emotional core which I thought had disappeared with the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. I just had Jimmy John's at Yoav's appartment and told him about the paper that I needed to write and he in all of his elitist charm explained how he could write it for me in five minutes so we could go to Chicago this weekend...ugh I sometimes have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy around him-just that I will never be smart enough or funny enough or interesting enough for him, he's just kind of here by default and I have become his de facto friend predicated on the fact that I worship him coupled with this sense of inadequacy. I guess that all types of worship or reverence must be coupled with a sense of inadequacy, or perhaps its just inadequacies that I feel that are amplified by certain traits that others posess yielding respect and perpetuating the cycle that leads to a painful lump in my digestive system-I feel the same way when my favorite professor waxes on how much she misses being at Brown. One of my central problems I think is that I really do take things like this way too personally. Painfully personally. I don't mean to, it just happens and the worst part is that I wouldn't notice with someone else. The things that I take personally are so ridiculous that I can't frame others as myself in another's shoes because it seems so innane, so in otherwords I end up expecting more from others then myself...which makes me feel even more like shit. Beyond that things are pretty good...I am starting my 2 research papers this weekend and I have midterms and stuff like that...standard school stuff. I am beginning to really despise the Assembly Democrats, it really is making me believe in campaign finance reform in so many different ways, and i hate calling people and more then anything i hate calling dead people....oooh story idea aight that's all for now
Feb. 24th, 2005 @ 11:00 pm
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| » early morning entry |
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so i haven't updated in public for a while, pretty much because i have entered the realm of routinedom and therefore don't really think that anything interesting happens...oh well, I feel like bitching about my women's studies class and so i thought that i'd compile an entry about my life as a whole, who knows maybe i'll think of something particularly interesting. Anyways yesterday, commenced in the art of literacy tutoring-terrified I began, terrified I ended. I am not allowed to write the name of the woman that I am tutoring, but in the hour that I was with her, I realized the extent to which she has led a life that I will never understand. She is the essence of a conservative politician's soap box, i can just imagine a prestigious ivy league alum discussing the perils of the parasitic tapeworms on our society, the excessive costs, the endless children, the plentiful drugs, the wretched immoral prostitution...well there she was yesterday in front of me, a welfare posterqueen, 51 years old and asking me to teach her to read. When I enrolled in the program, I don't know what I expected...doing something besides checking people's away messages? God knows...I don't think that I cognitively understood the extent to which I would be solely in charge of bridging the cryptic symbols that this woman sees every day with meaning...that frightens the fuck out of me and I have no idea if I will be able to do it...in the course of the hour I learned that she had been in jail 4 times, had been in and out of rehab, had had 2 children and a few abortions, was a diagnosed schizophrenic, and was about to get kicked out of the halfway house that I had visited her in and had no idea where she was going to live. A feminist political theory projectile drop kicked from the ivory tower with the force of every law of physics to a foot away from me at the sterile foot of the bed in a room in a halfway house shared by 4 women who probably have very little idea of the political careers that have been made and broken on their beautiful black backs. Talking to her was probably the closest thing to an out of body experience that I've ever had...I felt like a different person, trying to be warm, but coming off as awkward, detached...I kept hearing my own voice, much more confident then I felt, testing her ability to identify letters, trying my hardest to not demean her, not to feel discmofort...I have no idea if that worked, I have no idea if I will ever see her again, her idiot case worker asked me if I could find her credit report on the internet-neither of us realizing that in most instances it costs an unbelievable amount of money...I hope that she can find an appartment, I don't even know where to go about looking, its like an alternative universe...and I feel like this is amazing, how the fuck can you keep your credit if you can't fucking read? Bah bleeding heart tirade that I am not going to apologize for...more about this later
anyways I took the bus back, only getting mildly lost and heard Zaidan Atashi speak, about the Palestinian Israeli conflict, it just seemed somewhat strange in contrast, oh and Yoav's dad is not having another kid...thank the lord...haha...I accidentally marked the back of my hand with red marker and he asked if I had stigmanta....he better study his ass off, if he's not here next year I don't know what I will do. anyways I got no homework done, and this morning I had Women In The Law...now I took this class because the professor is amazing, just so smart and compassionate and wonderful, and her class last semester was one of the most amazing that I have ever taken...INCREDIBLY challenging, and brilliant and great discussions and everything that I would want a class to be...and so of course I tried to find whatever class that she was teaching this semester and found Women and the Law...a women's studies class...also known as the abortion class...GOOD LORD. Now as wonderful of a topic that abortion truly is, and how absolutely crucial it is to every woman's existance, I'm beginning to get a little frightened of the girls who orgasm every time they hear the word. I have such intense mixed feelings as do a bunch of the girls in the class I'm sure, and I feel like we've exhausted everything that there is to think about regarding the topic. It's tough cuz there is one ardent pro-lifer and a few girls that think that full abortion "rights"= essential to the identity of a female...and they just keep going at it, pushing political slogans back and forth, without looking at it particulrly critically...the worst thing is that there has got to be at least one girl in that class that must have had an abortion, and this must be the most uncomfortable thing in the world....oh yeah and today everyone went on a tirade bout male doctors, thate ended in one long organ recital...huzzah...
Feb. 22nd, 2005 @ 09:34 am
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